holy matrimonies

Okay. okay. okkay.

It's the night before my wedding. I will be married in 26.5 hours. Interesting feeling. I'm not really that stressed about the fact that I'll be a wife, or any of that. It's all the practical elements that are freaking me out. Youtube karaoke, renting projectors, the altar, white gloves, flowers, balloons, timing, door people... I have a feeling it'll be about five minutes until it's all about to happen, then I'll have a heart attack.

I had a studio visit last week where I frantically was asking a bunch of questions about this project, in terms of the balance of humour and seriousness, and how much of this was performance. I cannot explain why, but I have this aversion to calling the project "performance art." Partially, I think it's because the term makes me think back to my grade 10 career studies class, where my bigotted teacher said "This is what left wing means..." and proceeded to dance around the classroom saying "zaaaaa zaaaaa zaaaa" and making 'artistic' gestures. It really worries me that that's how people will interpret what I do. I hate thinking that I'm going into a career that is alienating or aloof in any way. I want to be a part of the real world, too.

Also, I think "performance" sometimes infers that it's something fake, or symbolic. As much as the wedding itself will be a performative gesture, or whatever, I'm still doing this, as a person. So the project is performance as much as any wedding is performance. I guess that's okay, because there's definitely a conversation you can have about every gesture people make being a performance on some level, where they are aware of how they're being interpreted by others. But I want to be performance on the same level as that, where I'm participating in the same institutions as everyone else, making gestures that are no more profound - just reacting as a person to what's already there.