holy matrimonies

I watched the Virgin Suicides last night for the first time since high school. The only thing I really remembered about it was the looming depression that followed me around for a couple days after watching it, oh god. But I forgot the specifics of that awful and oppressive time of life where everyone is forced into the gymnasium to clumsily hit on each other while your teachers stand around and watch. Imagine having your profs leaning against the walls at the bar while you were trying to pick up.

Anyway, this prompted me to go back into my journals from when I was 16 and look for evidence of my smothered, despotized and brilliant self - the tragic youth, with so much suppressed potential. It was a pretty good mix, overall, of heavy angst and naivete. A few long and interesting rants, intermixed with me practicing my signature switching my last name for the names of boys I liked. Lux had the habit of writing her crushes names on her underwear - apparently I wrote them on my leg.

I pulled out, for your entertainment, a love poem written by 16 year old me. Hopefully she'll forgive me for violating her privacy like this. I know, at least, that she'll eventually get over it, since I'm fine now.

Yes it's true that I've put you on a pedestal, dear

But isn't that where you belong?

Out of human range

The unnamed figure that would inspire song?

We don't have a contract, you and I

But that's not how I wanted it anyway

My distance is ensured

By your low s.... [the last word is just a squiggle]

I reflect

Can you see me from behind your eyes

I'm here and you're the closest I've ever been to myself

I'm quiet and ill-communicated

So please listen now

You're a constant in my dreams

And I think you've always been there

I've been trying to tell you

What I struggle to sort into words

Even now it won't be clear

You reflect me so I can see how I want to be that is I think I am I am losing words that I've never had and my voice is hoarse because I want to say every thought I can't remember and every explanation that made sense and I've misplaced all this by losing time and time again to my own memory and doubt and everything that ultimately doesn't matter because I love you

Hot shit. I'll do more exposes whenever I don't have interesting updates.